“We need a witness to our lives. There are 8 billion people on the planet … I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything — the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things … all of it, all the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”
This dialogue from the movie “Shall We Dance?” talks about the character’s perspective of why people want to get married. These words washed me over with a sense of validation, prompting me to contemplate the importance of being seen, not just by a spouse, but by those around us, and how it shapes our experiences and sense of self.
Have you ever built a magnificent sandcastle, only to have the tide wash it away unseen? The experience might have felt a little hollow, right? That’s because as humans, we have a deep-seated need to be witnessed. It’s about having our experiences, big and small, acknowledged by others.
The Early Roots of Witnessing
This need starts right from the beginning. We rely on caregivers to witness our needs—hunger, tiredness, comfort. Their response lays the foundation for our understanding of self and the world. This early witnessing is much more than just physical survival; it’s about forming an internal framework for navigating life’s complexities.
Imagine a child proudly showing off their artwork. The parent’s smile and encouraging words validate their creation, helping them get in touch with their experience and understand themselves in relation to the world around them. Witnessing shapes our self-concept, answering essential questions like “Who am I?” and “What matters to me?” It affirms our existence and gives meaning to our experiences.
Evolving Need for Witnessing
As we grow, the need for witnessing evolves but remains intrinsic. We seek companionship, not just for shared experiences but for the assurance that our lives matter to someone else. Whether it’s a toddler showing off a favorite toy, an adult sharing life’s ups and downs, or an elder reminiscing about past joys, the presence of witnesses validates our existence and enriches our connections.
But what happens when witnessing is absent? It can exist on a spectrum, from feeling completely unseen to having specific parts of ourselves minimized or ignored. This lack of acknowledgement can leave us struggling to understand and contain our emotions. It can manifest in various ways, from difficulties in managing emotions to struggles with understanding our own needs and decision-making.
Witnessing in Therapy
In the realm of therapy, witnessing takes on a transformative role. A therapist provides an empathetic, non-judgmental space where every part of the person is welcomed and held in a safe way. In sharing our story with a therapist, we are not just expressing experiences, but also reconnecting with them. The therapist’s attentive presence validates the person’s feelings, allowing them to truly “own” them. This validation unlocks a space for safe processing. We can explore buried emotions, understand their triggers, and develop healthier ways to navigate them.
As we process, self-discovery unfolds. The patterns in our thoughts and behaviors become more apparent, helping in gaining a deeper understanding of our needs and values. This newfound awareness empowers us to make choices that resonate with who we are.
The impact goes beyond emotional healing. Witnessing fosters a sense of self-compassion. The therapist’s acceptance of different parts of us helps in internalizing this voice and move towards acceptance of all facets of ourselves — the pleasant, the difficult, and the beautifully complex in between. This acceptance paves the way for building healthy relationships and living a life aligned with more authenticity.
The Power of Being Seen
Ultimately, the human desire for witnessing is about being seen authentically. It’s about feeling understood and valued, not just for our achievements, but for the full spectrum of who we are. In a world that can often feel indifferent, seeking out healthy witnessing – from loved ones, therapists, or even a supportive community – can be an important tool for feeling like yourself!
“Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.” — Shall We Dance?
